Showing posts from February, 2006

The Pet Store

And another good one from Billy this morning. :)

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Another Great Fairy Tale

Here's one Billy sent to me that's reminiscent of the one I posted from My Shelly the other day. I love it and thought it deserved reposting...

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't freakin think so…

For the Pet Shop Boys Fans :)

Here's a Swedish girl cover band that covers Pet Shop Boys' songs. They're kinda talented but very much tasty eye-candy. Thought I'd share the link... :)

For All My Piratey Friends...

B found a couple of these play sets at our neighborhood Walgreens and now I think we're gonna need to get him the rest of the set. These toys are *really* cool in real life, more like they were made for adults than kids. Anyway, I thought I'd share with my pirate fan friends...

Pyrates MegaBloks

User Agreement

Ohmigawd! Lane posted this one in a bulletin on myspace and it's hillarious! Btw, in my household, I'm more the cat than the user. ;-)

Condom Packaging, Now We Know. :)

Ganked this one from Shang_Shi's bulletin on myspace. Too funny not to share!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool," says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers: TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a…

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

My Shelly was on a roll this week! LOL!

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "No." And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, and farted whenever she wanted.

The End

"Gay" or "Not Gay", That is the Question...

Here's one My Shelly sent me the other day from Dan Savage's column. I like it and thought it well worth sharing. :)

This is not really a question about sex, but I couldn't think of any other gay person who could give me a reasonable answer: Am I a homophobe if I make certain jokes regarding gayness? For instance, if I say, "The Olympics are gay," or ask, "Why are you so gay?" I don't feel as though I'm a homophobe. I know and like gay people, and I'm for gay civil rights and gay marriage. Also, if I hear somebody call a homosexual person names in an angry or blatantly derogatory manner, I get upset. So can I call my buddy gay if he tells me he uploaded a Phil Collins CD onto his computer, or should I just call him a dumbshit instead?

Fine With Fags, Really

Officially, FWFR? It's so not okay to use "gay" as a synonym for lame. When you use "gay" like that, you're reinforcing a cultural prejudice against gay people—I …

Picto Personality Test

I ganked this one from Kurt. I mostly agree with my results with a few exceptions. :)

The Picto-Personality Test

You are a person who is very calm and kind. You go out of your way to help people who need your help.

When alone, you like to relax and do exactly what you feel like doing at the time.

You are adventurous, always up to do the most extreme things. You have a certain recklessness that makes people very attracted to you.

In the future you will have a good family life and lots of friends.

Take this Test at

All About High School

Here's one that I'm stealing from The Cap'n. Not that I remember all that much about high school mind you (too many mind-altering chemicals present in my system on a regular basis), but I'm gonna do my best here... :)

1) Where did you graduate from and what year?
Arlington High School, Arlington, TX, Class of 1987

2) Did you have school pride?
Gods no!

3) Was your prom a night to remember?
Yeah it was a night to remember, although we never made it to the prom. Instead we went to a nice dinner and then straight to the hotel room! :)

4) Do you own all 4 Yearbooks?
I think I might have one from my freshman and softmore years at Western Hills but I never bought one from Arlington High.

5) What was the worst trouble you ever got into?
That would be my freshman year at Western Hills...was covering the girls' bathroom in graffiti, smoking cigs, and gabbing with my best friend instead of being in class when the female Vice Principal walked in. We got suspended for the last week of s…

The Faithful Wife

And here's one from my friend's a good joke day today! :)

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."

"Hummmmm, I don't know. Well, it'll be the last thing I will ever hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig."

The husband begins to tell his story . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I m…

Brokeback Shopping

This one arrived unexpectedly from my friend Keith into my inbox and immediately had to be posted. ROFL!

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists

. Beans
. Bacon
. Coffee
. Whisky

. Beans
. Ham
. Coffee
. Whisky

. Beans al fresca
. Thin-sliced Bacon
. Hazelnut Coffee
. Absolut vodka & Tanqueray gin
. K-Y gel

. Beans en salade
. Pancetta
. Coffee (espresso grind)
. 5-6 bottles best Sauvignon
. 2 tubes K-Y gel

. Fresh haricot beans
. Jasmine rice
. Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
. Medallions of veal
. Porcini mushrooms
. 1/2 pint of thick whipping cream
. 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
. 5-6 bottles Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
. 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

. Pink Fir Apple potatoes
. Thick whipping cream
. Asparagus (very thin)
. Organic Eggs
. Spanish Lemons
. Gruyere cheese (well aged)
. Crushed Walnuts
. Rocket
. Clarified Butter
. Extra Virgin Olive oil
. Pure Balsamic vinegar
. 6 yards white silk organdy
. 6 yards pale ivory taffeta
. 3 Cases of Dom …

Just Another Reason to Hate the President

What good purpose will it serve to deny access to public records? I genuinely don't understand this administration...

Thanks to the Kilted Liberal for bringing this to my attention...

A Letter to My Children

This one had to be ganked from Da Jules' myspace bulletin. It's SO true! :)

Letter to My Pets:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the fullest ex…

It's Dick Cheney...everyone run!

LOL! My Shelly sent this one along and it's pretty damned funny. Hope y'all enjoy! :)

Dick Cheney's Got A Gun

What do you guys think of me?

Here's a golden opportunity for anyone who wants to play. I've set up this personality test thing to see if my opinion of myself matches my friends' opinions of me. Feel free to tell me what you think! :)

Political Correctness

Billy's on a roll today, LOL!

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore...


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."



6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does…

Manhood Rules :)

Since I'm technically not qualified to agree or disagree with these rules, I will take Billy's word for it that this is how it works in a man's head. Either way, they're pretty damned funny and definitely blog-worthy!


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party maybe legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a b…

It's the 60's Again!

I love it that college students will still protest bullshit legislation. I personally don't think the government should be allowed to wire tap ANYONE without a warrant..."war time" or no, it's unacceptable and against everything our founding fathers intended for our country. My $.02, for what it's's the link to the article:

And In the Bizarre and Slightly Silly Category...

I got a random email yesterday telling me about this contest for Bubble Wrap® Appreciation Day on January 30th. I've never heard of this but am completely amused by the idea of it. I probably won't have time to participate but thought I'd share the info just in case y'all decide to try it out. Please let me know if you decide to do this so I can go check out your blogs! LOL!

Which Tim Burton Character Am I?

This should come as no surprise to anyone...

Which Tim Burton character are you?Lydia DeitzYou're such a dark, angsty teenager.Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by quizzes and personality tests.

New Living Will :)

Here's one from My Shelly that has absolutely nothing to do with today's holiday but I thought it was absolutely worth sharing. I'm thinking this should be added to everyone's will! LOL!

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Bloody Mary,
______a Margarita,
______a Martini,
______a Vodka and Tonic,
______a Steak,
______Lobster or crab legs,
______The remote control,
______a Bowl of ice cream,
______The sports page,
______Miller Lite,
______turn down the a/c....I'm having a hot flash,

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determin…

Happy VD!


Censorship and Cookie Monster?

What do these two things have in common? Check out this link that Billy send and find out...definitely worth a giggle! :)

Unnecessary Censorship

Business News: Work and School :)

It's been several weeks since I posted an update on me and how I'm doing, so it's prolly about that time. :)

School is very time consumptive and brain intensive to me, but I'm loving it. I'm very grateful that I picked a university to take my classes at, not only because my professor has been in the industry for 35 years, has sat on the Texas Real Estate Commission, and is generally the bomb in knowing the material and presenting it in a very easy-to-remember-way, but also because I was able to sign up for extra hours that will fulfill all the core requirements for my broker's license. I still have to do two years of salesperson work (and possibly more school, depending on what TREC says about my transcripts) before I'll be allowed to try and take my broker's test, but I'm really glad that I'll at least have my core courses out of the way. Broker is definitely the way to go in this industry and I'm all about wanting to be self-sufficient and …

Texan Funny

Here's one from Big Tony on myspace. How true is this?? ;-)

U R A Texan If:

1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, San Antonio, Burnet, Boerne, Nacogdoches, Mexia, Waco, Amarillo, and Waxahachie.

2. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

3. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

6. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You measure distance in minutes.

8. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.


Chemistry Mid-Term

I ganked this one from Shang_Shi's bulletin on myspace. I actually laughed out loud when I read it, this kid so totally deserved to pass the whole class based on this answer. LOL! Enjoy!

Answer to Chemistry Mid-Term

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a …

Entertainment News: Crazy With the Birthdays

I'm not sure how I managed to have so many Aquarian friends but it seems like we've been doing nothing but birthday celebrating for weeks now. :)

It started with Da Jules. We celebrated her for a full weekend the last weekend of January. We managed to give her a great birthday, check out her blog about it if you want pix and details.

Then the very pretty Jac had her birthday festivities and I was unable to join her because of my school/work schedule. B jumped in on her celebration and I remotely sent hugs and love.

Last weekend was all about Brian and his 30th. I finally got to meet the infamous Keith and a bunch of Brian's current friends that I'd never gotten to meet before. I'm really super glad that we're back in touch!

Then yesterday was the original Bitchy's birthday so I ventured to Lewisville to take her to lunch at Red Lobster. We ended up sitting in the restaurant for 4 hours gabbing and getting caught up with each other. The restaurant staff was amaz…

Religion Quiz :)

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already.

In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.


Raise Denied... ;-)

This one's from my buddy Keith, ain't it the truth! LOL!

I, the Penis, herby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything that I do.
4. I do not get weekend or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work at high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Thank you,

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management has denied your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work eight hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each work period.
3. You do not always follow orders from the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the en…


Ohmigawd, Billy found this today and I NEED to get this Lego set! Enjoy!! :)


You Can Learn From Porn! :)

I ganked this from my buddy Shang_Shi on myspace. It actually made me laugh out loud! Hope y'all enjoy it!

Things I learned from watching porn...

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not screm with embarassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatvely when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "Oh yeah!&qu…

Cool Sign!

I really want one of these! Thanks to Billy for finding this link...

Good morning :)

I think that about sums it up for me this morning... :)

True Love is But a +2 Broadsword Away

My Shelly sent me this link today and I thought I was gonna die laughing when I watched it! If any of you have ever played RPGs or ever knew anyone that was heavy into it, then this is 10 minutes of film you MUST see. It's hillarious, I had to share. :)

Fear of Girls

Blessed Imbolc!

To all my fellow pagans out there, I wish you a wonderful Sabbat. To everyone else, happy Groundhog Day! :)